Drum Roll Please….
The verdict is in, I’m good and healthy, folks! I wandered into the doctor’s office first thing Friday morning, checked in without words and didn’t speak until the doc said, “You can talk now.” My first words, you want to know? I had planned this moment for 20 days and said, “Ok.” Yup. That’s what I said: “Ok”. I didn’t know what I even wanted to say. For three weeks I perfected the art of communicating without talking. I was always understood and always expressed; now having my voice back was genuinely confusing. I said a little more and felt tears come to the surface.
I nearly cried as I mumbled, “This is weird.” It was just an odd thing to communicate without over enunciating, waving my arms around or using my notebook. All the fear of entering the talking world sat at the surface of the lump in my throat. The appointment continued and the speech pathologist asked me about my time of silence. I told her it was easier than I thought it would be, that all my friends were amazing and supportive, and that I had enjoyed all the time to myself. She was amazed that I had gone to Magic Mountain, had blogged it all and had kept up my spirits the whole time. I, as usual, was a great student and she told me that I was the example of how to do voice rest. I smiled, as I’ve always been good at assignments.
I got my nose and throat all numbed up and she put a tube down my throat so we could take a look at the chords. They were healthy! Who knows the last time they looked like this- white and thick and clean. The cyst was gone and the function was back to 99% normal. I couldn’t believe it!
But you know what? Now’s the hard part. I had to talk into a mic that fed to a machine that calculated the pitch of my voice. It turns out that part of my problem is that my voice is naturally so low that it is hard on the chords. Also, because of poor behavior, I talk lower than I even need to which leads to a sensitive chord situation exacerbated by years of loud talking. Can you believe it? Part of my problem is that I just have a husky voice! This helps explain why I can be in the same situations as other people who won’t sound any different after talking over music or just being loud in general.
I will be going back to my speech lady a couple times a month to learn how to talk. You’d think after 30 years this skill would be on lock, but I’m a special lady with special needs. The last four days have been like a deer walking on new legs. The first day it was difficult to talk. I had to ease into a conversation and then rested my voice for 5 hours again. I quickly feel the little scratchy agitation at the back of my throat and have to lower my voice or stop talking all together. I didn’t expect talking to physically feel so different. My voice feels raspy now when it begins to fatigue. I always felt this but never understood I could make it go away by talking in a hushed voice or taking a break for an hour or two.
Over the weekend I faced my first major fear factor- a bar. How was I going to talk in this bar without yelling over the music? How was my boyfriend going to understand me if I didn’t mouth words or have my notebook? It was a near panic moment- no exaggeration. I took a deep breath, calmed down and indicated to my boyfriend that I was not going to talk. And then, I tried it- I tried talking without being loud even with music. It absolutely worked! I was so happy that an environmental noise situation was quickly averted.
Back to work, back to life, back to talking. Now it is a matter of protecting my voice. I have to constantly monitor my pace, volume and pitch. I can’t talk too quickly, too loudly, or too deeply. It has been a matter of thinking of how I talk as I talk and tracking my breathing. I sound a bit forced and less animated as I literally figure out how to use my voice again. I have to talk at a pitch a tad higher than natural (by the way, even at a higher pitch, I’m lower than the low end of pitch for women) and really decide what words are worth sharing. And, I will be doing voice rest here and there for a day or two at a time. It’s a tool I have learned to use and it really makes a difference.
My purse was rather empty the last few days as it was missing my notebook. There was all this space I could use but it just felt as if there was something lacking. I thought the emotional aspects of this experiment would come from not talking and continue to be shocked at how I respond to verbally communicating again. Thank you for reading and following. This blog has helped keep me focused day to day and has kept my fingers and mind busy. Back to work, back to life, back to talking.
